Straight From The Mind of Callie

It's 6:30 and I'm awake. By choice? Hell no. I haven't been able to sleep all night. Maybe 20 minutes here and there... but that's about the jist of it.

I'm pissed off with life right now. It just feels like no matter how hard we try, Paul and I can't seem to get a break. It's aggravating as all hell. We have been struggling, paycheck to paycheck.. like most people now-a-days.. and falling behind in everything. We try to think positive.. but something always comes around and knocks us back down. Both of us have been kinda down and depressed lately because we are just soo warn out from busting our ass soo much.. and we finally got some good news that Joey is going to be here with us from December 29th- the end of March. I rearranged my bedroom... for a clean slate on something.. trying to keep positive thinking maybe things are starting to look up for us now. Right?

Wrong. Then my phone rings at 5:47pm. It was Paul. Some stupid lady cut out in front of Paul and they collided. The whole front end of Paul's truck is messed up. Thank God he is ok though, and nothing happened to him. That was my main concern. Of course.. we have minimal insurance.. so I am glad it was her fault and not his. Thank God for witnesses. The stupid cop didn't even give her a ticket. And I tell you... if I didn't kow how to control myself.. when she shot me that 1/2 ass smirk.. I woulda told that stupid lady off.

This is just how our luck works. It seems like we can't catch a break. And it's not looking like we are going to get one anytime in the near future. =[

I ran across this short read called "Protecting Us" and I just had to share it. I absolutely LOVE it!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Other than flipping through the paper to grab the sales ad's and coupons... I rarely read the newspaper anymore. Sometimes I may find an interesting article or two, but for the most part... it's pathetic. Don't get me wrong.. I do like to stay up on what is going on around my community and all.. but that's why I have the news. LoL

On Sunday.. I picked up a paper... for the ad's of course. While waiting for Richard's father to show up to pick him up (which he never did) I flipped through and read some of the articles. The normal was in there.. stupid people doing stupid things for attention, the government stuff, sports, blah... Then one caught my eye

"A ban on gay marriage may go on '08 ballot"
A constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages in
Florida is closing in on a spot on the 2008 election
ballot, triggering a political battle that could sway
voters in a presidential year. Florida4Marriage, the
group pushing the amendment, has garnered 597,000
signatures and needs only 13,000 more to put it before voters.

Are you freaking kidding me?!!? I can, alone, think of at least a hundred more important things that this world should be worrying about. If someone wants to have an intimate relationship with someone of the same sex... that should be their business. Not mine, not yours, not ali-bab, not anyones other than the 2 involved. It's a preference.. and damn sure doesn't belong on the 2008 ballot. I mean.. come on. Seriously? Geesh people! How about we put the gas prices on there.. or the fact that hundreds of innocent people are overseas dying in Iraq and they just keep sending more?!

This article just proves, yet again, that politics is nothing more than a pile of shit. Sometimes I wonder why we even have a government. It seems like they cause more controversy and problems than they resolve or even attempt to resolve.

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!

When is "enough" actually "enough"?

This question has crossed my mind sooo much lately...that I decided to blog about it. Throughout my life I have always thought that I was pretty good at deciding when enough was enough, and thought I always knew the right moment to walk away. But lately.. I'm just not sure anymore.

Bills for one. This is something that I have been stressing over since I left my job with the City of Williston. It's been rough. But at the same time.. with babysitting Tori.. I'm bringing in just about what I would be after paying for daycare for Richard and Austin (not to mention for Joey too when he's here). So why am I stressing soo much? I guess it's cause I can't say "I'll work a little overtime", or keep myself busy enough that I just don't think about it. Hell, I don't know. So when do you just give it up and decide it's not worth stressing over anymore?

Friends for another. I made amends with an old friend of mine a few months back. I figured what the hell.. and gave it a shot. At first it seemed like she had really changed, and maybe straighted her situation out some. Unfortunately though, it threw me in a bind because she was to put it easily "mortal enemies" with another friend of mine.. all because she's dating my other friends "baby daddy". LoL I know.. as if that didn't have "DRAMA" written in big red bold letters on the front of it. But just because they have issues, didn't mean I couldn't be friends with both of them. At least that's what I though. Well it was starting to show that in fact she hadn't changed, and had maybe gotten a little worse. Constantly making negative comments about my husband as if she were trying to turn me against him (not that she could have..), and not to mention how I would constantly get blamed by her for crap.. that in the end would turn out she had done to herself. I was sick of it.. but as much negative crap as she said about her relationship and issues with her mother I felt I needed to be a good friend, and stand by her. Wrong! How long should I do that and continue to be bashed and constantly brought into drama by her, that had absolutely nothing to do with me? I think I did it for longer that I should have.. and on this one I was bad at deciding when "enough was enough".

The baby daddy for another. This is the same old story. He screws up, lies to me, is 2-faced, and yet I continue to give him chance after chance after chance. Why? Simply because he's the father of my oldest son, and I have always felt as though we should remain more than acquaintences simply for my child's sake. I thought maybe even friends. But I have had enough of the deceiving, and have decided I am no longer going to deal with it. It's my time to be me against him. I'm the custodial parent.. and for now on.. what I say goes. Point blank. No more catering to his schedule. Sorry bud... but enough is... ENOUGH!!!

Ok.. so I have vented. But I'm still curious what others would say when asked the question "when is enough actually enough?".

You ever have those days that are supposed to be special to you, and all you want to do is curl up in bed and cry your eyes out? That's kind of what I'm going through right now.

Today is my 24th birthday, in case you didn't already know... lol. It's a day that is supposed to be special.. and day to focus on "me" (something I rarely get to do). But in all honesty... I can't. No matter how hard I try to inch a real smile out.. it just won't show. Any smile that decides to bare it's face is a fake one.

Why you ask? I honestly don't know. I have just had soo much on my mind lately that I am stressed to my max. Between work, school, the Fire Department and worrying about Joey, my poor husband is stressed out enough, and I don't want to cry on him and give him anything else to worry about, ya know? So I try not to show it and put on a happy face, especially for my kids. I have found my release lately in scrapbooking and writing... and find that it's pretty much all I do anymore unless I am playing with my kids.

I guess I have just finally hit my quaterlife crisis. Everyone wish me luck!

Yea, that's pretty much how I feel right now.

Whenever I have had a issue with someone because they have done me wrong somehow, with time I let it go and try to work to an even level with that person. But anymore, I feel like I'm the only one trying. And in return...

I get treated like dirt.

Lied to.

Made out to be a bad person.

Or accused of starting drama.

But let me ask you this. Trying to clear the table.. work through your issues, and come to an even level.... is starting drama? Jesus! Why didn't anyone tell me that year's ago?

I've just honestly had it. You know, I even repeatedly try being friends with my son's father and no matter how much effort I put into it... it never works. It's like there's this wall, with a little door, and the only thing/person that can fit through that door, is my son.

I guess I have just hit my limit. Some things will never change. And I guess God puts those problems into a friendship because you're not supposed to be friends with them. Excuse me for trying, I guess. But that won't be me anymore. The way I look at it now is... fuck you if you don't like me. I don't care. I have my few close friends that I trust and confide in... and then I have my family. And those friends and family support me regardless of the decisions or actions I may make or take.

I am just going to keep my head up high and focus on the future. If you are part of my past, and we have issues.. unless you make the attempt... that's the way it's going to stay. You would think I would have learned the first time. But silly me... I was raised to forgive and forget and that's what I try to do. I haven't quite gotten the "forget" part down yet though.. and probably never will. But hey... I'm half way there... why can't stupid people just be nice and take care of the other half?!?! Grrr!!!!