Straight From The Mind of Callie

Trust. It's a pretty serious word. Tons of baggage involved. But is it really supposed to be that way??

Curiosity struck and I looked it up. Dictionary.com defines trust as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." I wanted to see if the Dictionary's described trust in the same way I do. Lately I have been second guessing my trust and not really sure who and what to trust. I've always been one to give my trust away easy.. but once it was broken.. that was it. At least that's what I tried to do. But there are times when I fight with the part of me that says "everyone deserves a second chance." And then of course, I have been known to give in.

But lately I have been forced to question myself. to re-evaluate my life, to make sure that I do what is right for all involved. Not that this is anything out of the ordinary for me.. but its like I'm being shown, in different ways, that its time to check all sides of something more then once rather than settling for the first thing that comes my way or the easiest way out.

On a different note - I have decided it's time for me to get a new vehicle. We are selling my car (96 Buick Regal Custom - seats 6 - 186k miles) for $3000. We are gonna use the money we get from it to go get a 3 row SUV or a van. We need a larger vehicle - there are 5 of us.. and we can never take anyone with us in our vehicle because there is never any room! LoL If you know of anyone that's interested.. get in touch with me!!

Think positive. Think Positive. Think Positive.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself today. I finally got through to the college and they told me the results of my financial aid appeal should be posted online by 4pm today. So keep your fingers crossed for me. I really hope it goes through. The last semester I attended I did soo poorly because of everything that was going on, and how far behind I fell. I am determined to finsish college though and ready to make some damn good money! =]

My mothers day went pretty good. I had breakfast with the family and my hellian children. LoL! We all had a good time. Then I spent the day with the kiddos while Paul got to work on his truck (since he had to work on my car Friday and Saturday). Then Paul and the kiddo's took me out to dinner last night. We had a good time! =] It's soo hard to believe how fast my youngins are growing up. I remember my first mothers day and how Richard was just over 3 months old. Now.. he's picking and ordering his own food. And Austin eats the same things we do - with no argument.. and all by himself. It absolutely amazing!!

Austin has started talking a little bit more now. We are working on the whole potty training task with him. He did excellent the first night. I put him in underwear for 5 hours, and he only pee'd once. He went on the potty twice. Of course, I had to take him.. he is still fascinated with the fact that he can watch the bubbles in the toilet.. LoL! And now my little porker is counting to 9!! Can you believe it?

Richard is extremely excited and anxious for Friday to get here. His class is going on a trip to Sea World - so we are going to have a blast! And he has been talking non-stop about Kindergarden as well. I cannot believe my baby is growing up soo fast!!

Joesph is doing amazing with writing his name! He tries soo hard, bless his heart, to write his name on his own without you writing it first and gets mad when he can't. I try to keep his spirits up and tell him he's doing a great job because he is. When you write it for him.. and then he copies it onto his side of the paper.... he does an amazing job. He is such a smart lil' cookie!

I'll probably be on later, to add some more to this post.. but until then.. tootle-lou!

I know. Awful right? I can't help it. I try and try to make things work out for me. I am always thinking positively and telling others they need to do so. I bust my butt to make sure that everyone around me is as happy as they deserve to be. But when do I get the chance? Why can I not be as happy as I want to be? Why is my life destined to be crap? I have a man who loves me, 3 amazing children, an awesome family, and amazing friends. I have never been arrested, never killed anyone (although trust me.. if it wasn't illegal or immoral.. lord help 'em). I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, and I very rarely drink. Supposedly God has a plan laid out for all of us, and everything is supposed to happen for a reason. Well I'm starting to think maybe God hates me and sold my soul to the Devil or something. It just seems like nothing works out for me in a good way. One thing after another continues to go wrong. And it's not just minor things anymore.. lately it seems like all the bigger stuff is going wrong.

I know it's awful to say, and in my heart I know its real. But at times I wonder if there really is a God. And if there is... what I ever did to deserve all the crap he's putting me through? Why am I forced to cry myself to sleep everynight wondering when things will get better. Why am I the one to continuously get screwed over?

God. If you're out there, and you're listening. Give me a break. Show me a sign. I'm at my wits end, and I don't know where to turn from here.

I'm feelin kinda blah today. Not really sure why. I guess it's because I just don't seem to have any luck when it comes to getting back in the groove of school.

Ever since my grandfather died in 1997, I have always wanted to be a Nurse so that I could help others. I think helping my grandfather throughout that time really made me realize that I have a nack for helping others. The only reason I haven't pursued schooling for it is because I am scared of having to give shots and making a mistake that could cost someones life. The older I get though, the more I realize that you risk that same kind of thing maybe just in a different aspect. So I'm doing it. I enrolled back in school, and am fighting with the Financial Aid office to try and get myself moving again. Now that the boys are older, it will be 100% easier to devote a lot more time into my studies. The fact that I have the continuous support from my husband is a major help too. He's all for me pursing my dreams and wants to see my achieve them, just as I do with him. Unfortunately Paul's first attempt at the State EMT exam did not go over so well. He is going to take it again within the next 3 weeks - and I am almost positive that he will ace it this time. He has really been studying hard, and is more confident this time around.

I started working on Mother's Day presents this week. Paul took me to Michaels to get some things that I needed on Saturday. In my opinion.. a homemade gift is soo much more personal than something bought or ordered from the store. And it's something that will last a lifetime, unlike flowers, or candy. Ya know? I'm working on something special, taking my skills up to the next level on these. Next Monday I am finally attending my first Stampin' Up Party.. and I'm siked! Stamping is something I have wanted to learn for a very long time. My son's best friend at school's mother is the hostess of the party and we get along great. So I'm sure I will have an awesome time!

Welp - I am off to do the whole Laundry, Clorox, & Bleach thing.. ya know.. the cleaning job that is oh soo fun! Haha!!

Blah. Is pretty much how I am feeling today. Why? I had to come home from Georgia! :( And now.. I have to clean. Even more blah. Oh well. Life goes on, right?


We left for Georgia on Friday and spent the weekend with my Grandpa, Roxy (his wife), my brother Ryan, and my daddy. We had an amazing time. It was a well needed vacation for us.. and at the same time I got to see the part of my family that I haven't seen since 2004. My grandfather has an awesome house on the top of a mountain. Talk about beautiful! Saturday is was bright and sunny.. until the afternoon.. but never hot. Then it started to rain, and the fog that settled on top of the mountains was absolutely beautiful. :) Here are some pictures from our trip..

We arrived home yesterday evening, earlier than we expected. And now we are back to the normal routines. I'm off to do my cleaning and tending to the kids.. while Paul works his butt off. Fun Fun. I cannot wait till May - thats when we get to go to Tennessee for Ryan's graduation. We are planning on being there for a week - I'm siked!! =]

It takes a lot for me to get interested enough in a book that I will continue to read the whole series. Mainly because I have soo many other things I could be doing rather than sitting down and reading. But Stephenie Meyer has managed to capture me in her love triangle of humans, vampires and werewolves! I am unmanageably trapped in this world. I find myself reading a 600 page book in less than a week.. mind you I have 3 kids.. so thats pretty dang good if you ask me. Haha. The series I am completely addicted to is called "Twilight". And I just found out they are making a movie based on the book. Yaaaahoooooo!!

On a different note.. tomorrow I am headed to Georgia. I am excited because I am going to see my family that I don't get to see very often. It's gonna be a pain with 3 kids.. but oh well. It's worth it!! Woohoo!! I'll post some pictures up when I get back.

I didn't get nearly as much done this week as I wanted to and should have. It's kind of aggravating, but at the same time... it's my own fault. I just get soo wrapped up in something, and everything else is kinda like "blah". When I get back from Georgia though.. its gonna be me and this house. It's gonna be on like white on rice. I hate clutter.. and I'm going to get rid of it. If that means I'll be spending a lot of time at the dump getting rid of things.. then so be it. I have got to figure out a place to get all this stuff put away. Of course.. now that I have the shed up again, and we are able to use it.. I will have some storage places in there too.

Well.. I reckon I need to go get my packing started to I am not running around in the morning like a chicken with its head cut off. Haha.

I feel like I have done nothing but run in circles all afternoon. Blah.

I'm exhausted. I'm anxious. I'm bored. Yet, I have soooooo much to do still.

I have busted my butt all day today, and yet.. sadly, I feel as though I didn't get ANYTHING done. *Sigh*

We finally moved the shed back into it's place. We had a REALLY bad storm about 2 weeks ago, and 2 days of VERY heavy winds that followed. Around like 2:30 in the morning I heard a "BING.. BANG.. BOOM!". I jumped and said to Paul.. "What the hell was that!?" His response... not a worry in his voice.. "I think it was the shed." What?!?! I wanted to smack him.. haha. Did he really just say what I think he said? I go to the back door and look. Guess what? The shed? Forget it. It was about 50 feet from where it should have been... on it's roof to say the least. And my husband? Not really much help.. he was bound to the bed with gout. So sleeping the rest of the night was out. Running through my head over and over was "How the heck amd I going to get the shed back where it belongs... by myself?!" At 5:30am, I gave up and just got up.. got dressed, and went out to inspect. Haha.. the wind blowing me all over the place. I knew if I didn't get it up soon, the way it was moving.. it was going to move again. And it did. About 3 hours later.. when I made Paul get on crutches and come help me at least attempt to get it flipped back over. It worked.. and since then it has been sitting at the end of my house... bent up to hell. But it's up now.. and we are using it. Woohoo!!

I'm determined to get my green thumb now that I have a yard. I laid seeds out about a week ago around the porch and our designed driveway near the porch. I water twice a day and all. I am impatient with that kind of thing though.. and was beginning to get aggravated when nothing was showing up with 1 day.. haha. I see sproutlets though.. so I know flowers will blossom eventually. The sproutlets are enough for me to know that I am taking good care of them! :) Yay!!

This weekend I am going to Georgia. I am soooo excited! I didn't think I was going to be able to go with Paul being out of work, and money being tight because of it... but my dad is going to help us out some. Thank goodness!! Because I was sooo bummed that we might not be able to go. I haven't seen my dad & brother since the end of 2003. And I am also going to get to see my Grandpa & Roxanne!! Yay!! Paul has yet to meet them.. Austin too. And I know Paul is anxious to meet everyone. He's just as excited as I am... he thinks anyway! Haha!

Tomorrow is going to be eventful. My family is getting together. Not all of them though.. just some. I'm doing a birthday party for Austin & Paul. Two birthdays in 1 shot.. since they share the same day anyway! Woohoo! I'll be up late tonight making the cake and all. Fun.

The Ebay thing hasn't kicked off like I had hoped. I'm determined though. I haven't done any advertising.. and I know that is the problem. I just have to think of some neat ways to advertise it. I'm also thinking about putting some other things up there and seeing how that goes. We shall see.

Well.. the dryer just buzzed.. so duty calls. Time to go back to the real world! Blah!

So today I finally decided that I am going to start this blogging thing and stick to it. I have not been one, in the past, to stick to any kind of journaling, blogging, diarys, etc. I would forget to do it, or put it off until I forgot. And then I was like "screw it" and would throw it away. I know.. bad idea.. but hey.. what can ya say?

Since it is Monday.. and my first blog on my page.. I guess I will go through a quick snapshot of last week and all it's events. Fun.

After Paul was out all week last week with a gout attack yet again.. I knew something else was wrong. To me, it just seems like this happens too much for it to be gout alone. He didn't want to agree. As if he ever would. Since I had to go to the doctor and get a restriction form filled out for him to take back to work with him, I asked the nurse to get him in there to see the doctor because he hadn't been able to walk in over a week. She did.. and within an hour he was in and out of the office. They are referring him to a rhuematologist (not sure if the right spelling) because they think he has Calcium Pyrophosphate Dihydrate Deposition Disease (CPPD) or another type of disease that he cannot remember the name of. None of these are contaigious.. but neither one of them are good for him and are both very hard to manage apparently. They both have long term affects related to the joints and could possibly paralyze him later in life. He doesn't want to think about it.. nor talk about it for that matter. But this is something that I am seriously concerned with. I guess we just have to wait and see what happens with the rhuematologist appointment.

On a good note.. my grandmother went and had the xray on her chest done. Other than emphyzima and COPD (which we already knew she had), there was nothing there. THANK YOU JESUS!! I think her being as sick as she has been through recently has really scared her. I have noticed a very big change in her.. she's scared of more things than usual.. thing's she has never been scared of.. or at least didn't let anyone know she was. One good thing that came out of all this though is that she is no longer smoking. For a woman who has been smoking since she was 14, and is now in her late 60's - she always swore she would die smoking - hasn't had a cigg in at least a week. I am soo proud of her!!

My mother and stepfather also finalized their divorce on the 6th. Although my sisters may or may not agree with me.. I am glad its over. They have both moved on and are happy.. and for as long as it got drug on like it was.. it was only making things more difficult. *Sigh*

Uncle Joel emailed me the other night, he posted up pictures from Richard's birthday party in February, finally.. lol.


His party was excellent.. and the cake was to die for. =]

I have been totally addicted recently to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. I read a 460 something page book in less than a week... and and 1/4 of the way through the 2nd book that I started yesterday. I have never been one for vampire stories.. but omg! This series is amazing. She is an awesome writer!! Woot!

It's 6:30 and I'm awake. By choice? Hell no. I haven't been able to sleep all night. Maybe 20 minutes here and there... but that's about the jist of it.

I'm pissed off with life right now. It just feels like no matter how hard we try, Paul and I can't seem to get a break. It's aggravating as all hell. We have been struggling, paycheck to paycheck.. like most people now-a-days.. and falling behind in everything. We try to think positive.. but something always comes around and knocks us back down. Both of us have been kinda down and depressed lately because we are just soo warn out from busting our ass soo much.. and we finally got some good news that Joey is going to be here with us from December 29th- the end of March. I rearranged my bedroom... for a clean slate on something.. trying to keep positive thinking maybe things are starting to look up for us now. Right?

Wrong. Then my phone rings at 5:47pm. It was Paul. Some stupid lady cut out in front of Paul and they collided. The whole front end of Paul's truck is messed up. Thank God he is ok though, and nothing happened to him. That was my main concern. Of course.. we have minimal insurance.. so I am glad it was her fault and not his. Thank God for witnesses. The stupid cop didn't even give her a ticket. And I tell you... if I didn't kow how to control myself.. when she shot me that 1/2 ass smirk.. I woulda told that stupid lady off.

This is just how our luck works. It seems like we can't catch a break. And it's not looking like we are going to get one anytime in the near future. =[

I ran across this short read called "Protecting Us" and I just had to share it. I absolutely LOVE it!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Other than flipping through the paper to grab the sales ad's and coupons... I rarely read the newspaper anymore. Sometimes I may find an interesting article or two, but for the most part... it's pathetic. Don't get me wrong.. I do like to stay up on what is going on around my community and all.. but that's why I have the news. LoL

On Sunday.. I picked up a paper... for the ad's of course. While waiting for Richard's father to show up to pick him up (which he never did) I flipped through and read some of the articles. The normal was in there.. stupid people doing stupid things for attention, the government stuff, sports, blah... Then one caught my eye

"A ban on gay marriage may go on '08 ballot"
A constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages in
Florida is closing in on a spot on the 2008 election
ballot, triggering a political battle that could sway
voters in a presidential year. Florida4Marriage, the
group pushing the amendment, has garnered 597,000
signatures and needs only 13,000 more to put it before voters.

Are you freaking kidding me?!!? I can, alone, think of at least a hundred more important things that this world should be worrying about. If someone wants to have an intimate relationship with someone of the same sex... that should be their business. Not mine, not yours, not ali-bab, not anyones other than the 2 involved. It's a preference.. and damn sure doesn't belong on the 2008 ballot. I mean.. come on. Seriously? Geesh people! How about we put the gas prices on there.. or the fact that hundreds of innocent people are overseas dying in Iraq and they just keep sending more?!

This article just proves, yet again, that politics is nothing more than a pile of shit. Sometimes I wonder why we even have a government. It seems like they cause more controversy and problems than they resolve or even attempt to resolve.

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!

When is "enough" actually "enough"?

This question has crossed my mind sooo much lately...that I decided to blog about it. Throughout my life I have always thought that I was pretty good at deciding when enough was enough, and thought I always knew the right moment to walk away. But lately.. I'm just not sure anymore.

Bills for one. This is something that I have been stressing over since I left my job with the City of Williston. It's been rough. But at the same time.. with babysitting Tori.. I'm bringing in just about what I would be after paying for daycare for Richard and Austin (not to mention for Joey too when he's here). So why am I stressing soo much? I guess it's cause I can't say "I'll work a little overtime", or keep myself busy enough that I just don't think about it. Hell, I don't know. So when do you just give it up and decide it's not worth stressing over anymore?

Friends for another. I made amends with an old friend of mine a few months back. I figured what the hell.. and gave it a shot. At first it seemed like she had really changed, and maybe straighted her situation out some. Unfortunately though, it threw me in a bind because she was to put it easily "mortal enemies" with another friend of mine.. all because she's dating my other friends "baby daddy". LoL I know.. as if that didn't have "DRAMA" written in big red bold letters on the front of it. But just because they have issues, didn't mean I couldn't be friends with both of them. At least that's what I though. Well it was starting to show that in fact she hadn't changed, and had maybe gotten a little worse. Constantly making negative comments about my husband as if she were trying to turn me against him (not that she could have..), and not to mention how I would constantly get blamed by her for crap.. that in the end would turn out she had done to herself. I was sick of it.. but as much negative crap as she said about her relationship and issues with her mother I felt I needed to be a good friend, and stand by her. Wrong! How long should I do that and continue to be bashed and constantly brought into drama by her, that had absolutely nothing to do with me? I think I did it for longer that I should have.. and on this one I was bad at deciding when "enough was enough".

The baby daddy for another. This is the same old story. He screws up, lies to me, is 2-faced, and yet I continue to give him chance after chance after chance. Why? Simply because he's the father of my oldest son, and I have always felt as though we should remain more than acquaintences simply for my child's sake. I thought maybe even friends. But I have had enough of the deceiving, and have decided I am no longer going to deal with it. It's my time to be me against him. I'm the custodial parent.. and for now on.. what I say goes. Point blank. No more catering to his schedule. Sorry bud... but enough is... ENOUGH!!!

Ok.. so I have vented. But I'm still curious what others would say when asked the question "when is enough actually enough?".

You ever have those days that are supposed to be special to you, and all you want to do is curl up in bed and cry your eyes out? That's kind of what I'm going through right now.

Today is my 24th birthday, in case you didn't already know... lol. It's a day that is supposed to be special.. and day to focus on "me" (something I rarely get to do). But in all honesty... I can't. No matter how hard I try to inch a real smile out.. it just won't show. Any smile that decides to bare it's face is a fake one.

Why you ask? I honestly don't know. I have just had soo much on my mind lately that I am stressed to my max. Between work, school, the Fire Department and worrying about Joey, my poor husband is stressed out enough, and I don't want to cry on him and give him anything else to worry about, ya know? So I try not to show it and put on a happy face, especially for my kids. I have found my release lately in scrapbooking and writing... and find that it's pretty much all I do anymore unless I am playing with my kids.

I guess I have just finally hit my quaterlife crisis. Everyone wish me luck!

Yea, that's pretty much how I feel right now.

Whenever I have had a issue with someone because they have done me wrong somehow, with time I let it go and try to work to an even level with that person. But anymore, I feel like I'm the only one trying. And in return...

I get treated like dirt.

Lied to.

Made out to be a bad person.

Or accused of starting drama.

But let me ask you this. Trying to clear the table.. work through your issues, and come to an even level.... is starting drama? Jesus! Why didn't anyone tell me that year's ago?

I've just honestly had it. You know, I even repeatedly try being friends with my son's father and no matter how much effort I put into it... it never works. It's like there's this wall, with a little door, and the only thing/person that can fit through that door, is my son.

I guess I have just hit my limit. Some things will never change. And I guess God puts those problems into a friendship because you're not supposed to be friends with them. Excuse me for trying, I guess. But that won't be me anymore. The way I look at it now is... fuck you if you don't like me. I don't care. I have my few close friends that I trust and confide in... and then I have my family. And those friends and family support me regardless of the decisions or actions I may make or take.

I am just going to keep my head up high and focus on the future. If you are part of my past, and we have issues.. unless you make the attempt... that's the way it's going to stay. You would think I would have learned the first time. But silly me... I was raised to forgive and forget and that's what I try to do. I haven't quite gotten the "forget" part down yet though.. and probably never will. But hey... I'm half way there... why can't stupid people just be nice and take care of the other half?!?! Grrr!!!!